When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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