I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
