What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
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