Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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