Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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