so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
