I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
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He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
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I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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