Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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