Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
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