why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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