He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
