so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
