I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
