When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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