she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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