i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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