I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
