I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
