GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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