I molested 6 butterflies tonight
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
