I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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