we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
