Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
