There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
