Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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