What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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