Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
