So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
