apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
