Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize