My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
