life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
