Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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