I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
