If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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