Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
