yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
