Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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