so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
How does one acquire holy water?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
