Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
