pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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