Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
pop tarts are not kleenex
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
me + whiskey = a bad person
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
