i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
