the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
