Your dad touched me again.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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