sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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