My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
