he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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