Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
