Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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