I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
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He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
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After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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