Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
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Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
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then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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