hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
