you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
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