On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize