watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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