I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
