It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
