If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
