Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I FOUND THE LEGS
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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