2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
