he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
