What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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